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Entry tags:	masuda, news, tegoshi

[MasudaxTegoshi] Pain
Pinky promise I wont post even half-angst (like this D:) again. For two weeks.

Title: Pain
Pairing: Masuda x Tegoshi
Rating: G
Disclaimer: I can't even think of good disclaimers, what makes you think I actually own JE?


Grief is a searing pain, which can never be erased.

Tears show pain. Grief comes, and together with it come tears. Tears are an embodiment of this pain; not a strength or weakness, just there. Sometimes they're so many, sometimes they're so less.

And sometimes, there are none. But they are there, just inside. I don't really remember the last thing I said to him. It was yesterday night. We had been talking; he had been walking me to the bus stand. As I was boarding the bus, he had paused mid-wave, and had flung a soft thing at me, which hit my forehead with full force. It was a soft toy.

He had yelled something, I didn't really hear. I guess I was just paralyzed, somewhat mesmerized with the gift, flashing a sweet smile in his direction. He had laughed, and had started waving. I waved back too.

The news came late, messaged to me. Involved in a crash, in the hospital, in coma. It took minutes to realize the message. It seemed impossible. Maybe it was a sick joke or wrong information.


The tears aren't coming. Why? Maybe because I'm sure it isn't true, maybe because everyone is wrong. He is okay, totally fine. It's just a big lie, isn't it? I'm not going to be fooled.

But they are there, inside. They’re fighting to come out. Overwhelming emotions take control. But the tears won't take control. I won't allow them to.

Tears do show pain. But the pain doesn't exist. It just doesn't.

The cell phone is ringing, Yamapi’s "Daite Senorita" solo blares loudly from it. The newsperson pauses for breath, then resumes talking about Takahisa Masuda's ‘freak accident'. There is someone knocking at his door, probably my worried mother.

The noise hurts. "NO!"

Everything stops at the exact moment. The electricity fluctuates and goes out, the phone stops ringing, and so does the knocking. I take the cell phone, push the door open, and brush off okaa-san's queries with a smile.

"I'll be back soon." The pain worsens.

*

They're standing outside, Ryo, Koyama and Yamapi. Ryo is frustrated, Koyama worried, and Yamapi just tense. They see me, their expressions harden, but they don't say anything. They just push me inside.

His eyes are closed, his face blank, without expression. There is no movement, probably for hours. He's just there. Shige is sitting by the bed, a hand combing through his brown bangs, an expression of calm on his face.

"How can you be so calm?" Words come out without a thought.

Shige doesn't hear it, but looks up, tries to smile, and fails. He looks back at the unconscious body on the bed, and then proceeds to get up. A hand pats my shoulder reassuringly. I move away, and can sense him looking at me. The door closes without a noise.

His hand feels so warm, like never before. Comfortable, like it always is. But the happiness they give is absent. They're devoid of the happiness that is Masuda.

It's darkness all over. Grief, pain, sadness flood in.

The tears are there now. They're falling down, so fast like never before. They stream down, leaving warm traces, falling on him. They're asking him, begging him, to just open his eyes, reach out his hand and wipe them all away. They're begging him to smile, to bring the happiness back.

It's true. The pain doesn't ease away.

*

When I was five years old, it was Okaa-san who had told me that wishes can come true. She had pointed at a bright star and had glanced at me, a beautiful smile on her face, and had earnestly told me that if you prayed hard, your wish would come true. She had then looked back at the star and had wished something. I had wished something too. That wish had come true.

But it was just pure luck, wasn't it?

I look out of the window. The sky is a deep red, with streaks of orange running through, as the day slowly reached its twilight. There's no star to be seen.

The cloud passing by looks quite like Masuda's eyes. I smile for the first time in the day, in spite of myself. It looks just like Masuda's do when he is happy, slightly narrow, yet bright.

The small toy that Masuda gave me seems to be mocking me, a hint of condescendence in its smile. It accuses me, because I was the reason for Masuda's crash. Because I left him. Because now, Masuda might never come to know that I can't live without him. He might never be there for me again.

A sharp pain pierces me. I grab the toy, close my eyes and concentrate. I wish for something that I know won't come true.


"Tegoshi?" I open my eyes slowly, in response to the call.

A beaming Masuda greets me with his smile. "Wake up! You slept through our conversation for a whole hour," He laughs.

I can't believe my eyes. This can't be. Am I hallucinating?

I touch Masuda's forehead lightly, and can feel his slightly uneven skin, can feel the tiny bumps. It isn't a dream. It is Masuda, in reality.

The image of him, unmoving, suddenly flashes across my mind. "Masuda?"

His smile never ceases. "Hm?"

Unbelievable. "Masuda?" It is actually Masuda. He can respond. There are no signs of unconsciousness. He is alive. "Massu, is this you? This isn't a joke, is it? Where are we?"

Masuda nods, a serious look on his face. "Um, yes. Uh, no. Er, my house, Japan, Earth."

I gasp lightly, before jumping on him, hands tightly around his waist. "You're okay!" I breathe happily, my smile ruined by the tears that fall down. Now they fall so slowly.

"Eh? I've been 'okay' for a while now, Tegoshi. Nothing has happened to me yet!" What is he saying? He was in a coma, and now he's fine.

But...this isn't right. I can't remember him coming out of coma. It all doesn't seem right. As I retreat from the embrace, he sees my tears, and his tone changes. "Tegoshi, are you okay?"

I look at him. "Masuda, what is today's date?"

He gives me a strange look. "October 25. 2007."

So the wish came true? Masuda isn't in coma anymore. Because Masuda hasn't had an accident yet. But this can't be. Just can't be. It's impossible, improbable. Science hasn't heard of this.

And then I realize. It had been a dream. It had all been a dream. The accident, the grief, it had all been my mind. It was never true. There can't be any other possible explanation.

"I had a bad nightmare." I mumble slowly, before giving him a tiny smile. He laughs, and shrugs it off.

"It's late anyway," He says, "I'll walk you till the bus stand."

I look at him, shocked. But he doesn't notice.

As we walk, the images from the dream come back vividly. Masuda points to a shrine, relates a story he had heard. Just as in the dream. It's all the same, literally the same.

This is too much for me to believe.

I wave him good bye, and board the bus, before glancing at him expectantly. He pauses in mid-wave and, lost in thought, removes a small soft toy, flinging it at me. I miss the catch, and it hits my forehead.

"Masuda." I look at him, he laughs in reply. The "dream" comes back to my mind. Masuda lying on the bed, unconscious. The grief-stricken band members. And then it strikes me.

Boarding off the bus, I run towards him, and lunge onto him. "Massu!" I can't stand the grief, I can't stand those tears. Not again. "Don't leave me."

Masuda shoots me a half-quizzical, half-amused look. "Tegoshi, are you really, really sure about that?"

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It's more-than-1000 words! Celebrate. And oh yes I'm back to fangirling about my tegomass otp. What had I been thinking? (no internet for 3 weeks + infinite amounts of otp = instant love/fangirling. I shall patent this recipe someday.)